Sometimes the Truth Hurts: How to React

 Communication is incredible and super important. But, have you ever had a situation where you had to communication with someone to correct them or to tell them something that they didn’t want to hear? Or, when someone got mad at you or told you something that you didn’t want to hear? It’s intimidating having to communicate when opinions seem to differ. So, what should we do in those situations?

Kevin T. McCarney wrote a book called, “The Secrets of Effective Communication,” and it has some incredible advice about how to communicate effectively in those hard times. The secrets, or keys, to communication are: disarming, empathy, inquiry, “I feel” statements and genuine appreciation.

Disarming is one of the hardest, but essential parts to this situation. Disarming is where you find the truth in what the person is saying, and acknowledging it no matter how harsh it. Let’s say that your sister comes up to you says, “Ugh! You never help with the dishes! I always have to do them when it’s your week and you don’t even care!” Ouch, right? You have homework to do, and you’re hanging out with friends later, but you helped out with other things around the house, so what does it matter if you didn’t do the dishes? But, if you bring up all of the excuses, it’s going to end up in an argument and neither of you will probably feel understood. It would be better to say, “You’re right, I never do the dishes when it’s my week. I’m sorry, I’m been so busy with doing other things that I haven’t even thought about it.” By acknowledging the truth in what she has said, your sister can feel understood because you didn’t deny what she said.

The next step is to have empathy for that person. We can best do that by acknowledging and stating how they probably feel and what they are thinking. This part is definitely hard as well, but it really helps us to see from their perspective and helps them to see that we are really trying to understand what feelings they have. After we state how we think they think and feel, we need to ask them if that’s correct, or ask them to tell us more about it.

Then, it’s good for both the one that feels hurt and the one listening to use “I feel” statements. I love this format: When______(you don’t do the dishes), I feel ______(sad and frustrated), because ______(I think that you don’t care and assume that I will do the dishes if you want long enough). I would like ______(it if you could make time to do the dishes, or even ask for my help when you don’t think you can do them).

Doesn’t that just make sense? By truly communicating our thoughts and feelings with each other there are no assumptions about their actions, body language or tone of voice and no resentment builds up. That is so important!

It’s interesting to see that communication is broken up into three parts: verbal- our words, our tone of voice, and non-verbal- facial expression and body language. Did you know that when we communicate we give 14% credit to the words that are said, 35% to the tone of voice that is used, and 51% to body language! Isn’t that crazy! I have another recommendation for you. There’s a book and CD set that you can get at Deseret Book called, “For All Eternity” by Dr. John Lund. It is A-mazing! Dr. Lund talks about “content communicating” which is being 100% accountable for the words that you say. By saying exactly what we mean, it’s a lot easier for our spouse to know exactly what you want/need, and it helps them to feel successful as your spouse. I recommend buying the CD, it is life changing!

The last part of McCarney’s secrets to communication is what he calls stroking or genuine appreciation. Genuine appreciation means that even if you are frustrated, you find something nice to say about them and show respect toward them. I think of D&C 121: 43. “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”

Communication is such a gift that we have, and we need to use it more effectively, so we can better feel and show love. By disarming, showing empathy, asking questions, using “I feel” statements and showing genuine appreciation I know that we can get down to the bottom of what others are trying to communicate.