The Family Influences Who We Are Today

“The home … is the workshop where human characters are built and the manner in which they are formed depends upon the relationship existing between parents and the children. The home cannot be what it should be unless these relationships are of the proper character. Whether they are so or not depends, it is true, upon both parents and children, but much more upon parents. They must do their best.” Joseph Fielding Smith

I love that quote by President Joseph F. Smith. What a responsibility we have to gain the best relationships we can with our family members. We all come from different families and experience different things. Some of us may have had wonderful experiences with our families and some of us may have had really hard experiences. The experiences that we go through definitely influence us, but I know that if there are things in the past that we don’t want to have repeated that we can decide to make the change.  My purpose in writing this post is to hopefully show how we became who we are today and how knowing that can help us when we raise our own children.

Have you ever noticed that you may have done something just like your mom, dad or sibling when you were away from them? I know I have! That’s because they influence who we are.

There are several theories (an attempt to explain an occurrence) that are used by family therapists to help them understand families and figure out the “why” behind what they do. If we are trying to understand why people are the way they are we can’t just look at the person individually, we need to look at the family as a whole. And, I really like that concept. I didn’t just become who I am today by some coincidence, but through my interactions, experiences and environment that I was raised in and influenced by helped me become who I am today.

Here’s an example. When I was going up, money wasn’t really discussed and when it was it was very sensitive and kind of a taboo. Still to this day, my parents don’t really talk about finances, but it’s become a lot better. But, because of that, I didn’t really like to talk about money because I felt like money wasn’t supposed to be talked about. It’s gotten a lot better since I’ve gotten married and started a budget, but it took a while to get more comfortable with it. I think one of the reasons for my insecurity with money was because that boundary with that topic was never really discussed in my family.

Boundaries are very important in every aspect of life. Boundaries are guidelines set for what is acceptable for behavior and what discipline with be implemented when those behaviors aren’t followed. I think as human’s we thrive off of stability. When there is inconsistency with things it’s harder to feel secure. If a family is trying to train a dog to sit but they aren’t consistent with giving him praise or a treat when he sits, he isn’t going to understand what his owners expect of him. It’s the same for the family. If there aren’t set boundaries, or guidelines, for what is expected it will be harder for a child to know what is appropriate or not and they will not feel secure. If the boundaries are too strict, children might be even too hesitant to do some normal activities. Like for me, I was too hesitant at times to even ask about money. But if the boundaries are clear and understood by everyone in the family they will be able to have that stability they need. I hope that by keeping a budget and including my children in it that we won’t have that taboo feeling whenever money is brought up and that they will learn how to budget money.

I’m grateful that we are influenced by the experiences we have, the good and the bad. We learn from both. I think that when we realize how much of an influence we have on our families, and especially when we have children and raise them, we will want to be the best that we can. Our children will be influenced by us, the good and the bad, but as we set clear boundaries I know that that will help them the most to thrive and become the best that they can.

“The Father of all mankind expects parents, as his representatives, to assist him in shaping and guiding human lives and immortal souls. That is the highest assignment which the Lord can bestow upon man.”- David O. Mckay